Unexpected triggers

Some women get back on their feet after rape and/or sexual assault and grow from their experience.  Unfortunately, for many others, it isn't that easy.  As much as you want to call yourself a survivor, you still feel like a victim every time something triggers you.

That has happened far too often to me in the last year.  Despite counselling spanning quarter of my adult life, it seems to get harder instead of easier.  When I read about the horrific rape and abuse of Jyoti Singh Pandey in India last November, it triggered me worse than anything ever has.  Circumstances I could directly relate to - 5 men, an iron bar.  At Christmas I was on my own apart from my two dogs.  I sat on my bed with a packet of sleeping tablets and all I wanted to do was escape the pain.  The only thing that stopped me was the realisation that no-one would find my dogs for days, and I couldn't do that to them.  They saved me.

Yesterday I posted to an online group I belong to that I believe we are failing our women and girls by not giving them the resources and knowledge to risk assess the situations they may go into.  The sentiment is the same as my last blog post.  I truly believe that we are giving our girls a false sense of entitlement without giving them the knowledge to know when and how to use that entitlement, and thereby we are endangering them.  This is not victim blaming, and yet that is exactly how one commenter saw it.  I was told I was "part of the problem".

I fully understand that this person may not be aware of my history, although my website and blog have been posted to the group on a number of occasions.  Her comment was a trigger for me, and I have expended a lot of tears and anger and self doubt in the last few hours.  If I am victim blaming, then does that mean I am blaming myself for what happened to me?  I have spent so many years trying to get over that feeling, I don't need it thrown at me by someone who doesn't even know me.

The hardest thing with the internet is not being face to face with the people who drop these type of comments.  My goal, since last December, has been to try to make sure that no woman or girl ever has to endure the PTSD, emotional turmoil and related mental and physical health issues, lack of self esteem and feeling of aloneness I live with every day because of something that happened that shouldn't have.

I was not in a situation of war.  I was not a child abused by a family member or friend.  I was not an elderly woman attacked in my own home. I was not attacked by religious perverts.I was not trafficked or prostituted for sex.

Could I have avoided the situation I found myself in? Ultimately, with the ability to analyse the stupidity of the situation, yes I could have.

Did my attackers have the right to rape me?  Of course not! Rape is not okay, ever, under any circumstances.

So will I encourage other women and girls to be aware of their circumstances and to take appropriate steps to avoid putting themselves at risk?  You bloody bet I will.

If someone wants to call that "slut shaming" or "victim blaming", that's your call.  Just be very, very sure you know the background of the person you are saying it to, and their motivation for feeling the way they do.

"Zero Harm" and Rape Culture

I’m going to write a codicil for this blog post before I even start, because I know it is going to be a very unpopular topic.  Rape is never, has never been, and will never be “okay”.  That’s what is says on my website (www.itsokaytobeangry.com) and that’s what I truly believe.  You may disagree with what I am about to say, but don’t, DON’T, DO NOT make the mistake of thinking I condone rape or rape culture; nor am I victim blaming in any way, shape, form or format. This is a personal comment from a torn soul who believes we are letting our women and girls down in a very particular way.

Years ago, when I chose workplace health and safety as my career path, I did so in part because of my history.  Since I had never had justice after I was raped and assaulted, and never had someone speak up for me, I wanted to be that person in the workplace – someone who would push the employee’s barrow with management and ensure that workers went home uninjured at the end of each day.  I saw it as a parallel to safety from sexual violence, one that I could be and was passionate about.

Over the years I have witnessed bad attitudes from both sides.  Employers who will always blame the employee when an unsafe action is noted, and employees who say the employer never does enough and always places profit first.  There are rights and wrongs with both arguments, and again I see parallels with safety from sexual violence.

So much of the media attention now is on “rape culture”.  It exists.  There is no argument.  There will always be instances where a situation was entirely unavoidable by the woman and she suffered the consequences, perhaps lifelong. There is no argument that rape is a weapon of war. There is no argument that “gang” culture is pervasive amongst our teens and youth. There is no argument that domestic violence, sexual violence in the name of religion and sex trafficking are totally unacceptable. There is no argument that no-one has the right to touch your body without your express permission. 

Yet the general message we are giving our women and girls is “do what you like, wear what you like, act however you want, it’s your body.”  This is where I completely disagree. I believe that, by giving women and girls that message, we are failing them in a huge way by not equipping them with the ability to assess and manage risk.  

In a workplace, hazards are mitigated by an employer and an employee has a legal responsibility to act in a safe manner and follow workplace procedures such as safety boots, hard hats, safe work procedures, inductions, correct licences etc.  No-one would think twice about castigating someone for working on a high rise construction site in thongs and shorts without a harness.  That’s just dumb, right?

So why do we insist that women and girls should have an unfettered freedom to do whatever they want, wherever they want, whenever they want? We can’t blame the patriarchy every time violence happens.  We sometimes have to accept some responsibility for our own actions.  Including the fact that many women and girls want their freedom but don’t want the responsibility of educating themselves or their peers about what is and isn’t acceptable.

If we truly want to get rid of rape culture it is our responsibility – every single one of us, male and female – to call it out when we see it or hear it, to stomp on it, to work to change it.  And to accept responsibility that our own actions may, just may, put us in a hazardous situation when there is no “employer” to make it safe for us.  

I left workplace health and safety because I was totally dismayed at the pervading culture of “Zero Harm” which is predicated on the belief that a workplace can be made completely safe – this is a fallacy, there is no such thing in a world populated by humans.  Likewise, there is no such thing as “freedom” in a world populated by humans, and once again I see parallels between the “safety culture” and “rape culture”. Zero Harm advocates look at the world through rose coloured glasses, and so too do those who say rape culture can and should be easily dismantled. There is never a simple solution, but in both instances the discourse has to change before the results will change.

Why are we failing our women and girls by not equipping them with the life skills to make rational decisions about irrational risk situations? Rape is never, has never been, and will never be “okay”, but the simple fact is we live in an imperfect world.  You don’t tempt fate on a worksite, and you educate yourself about risk.  Why don’t you do the same when you step outside your employer’s gates and ensure our girls and young women are educated in risk awareness? 

Knowledge is power.

'The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.' - Gloria Steinem

I only acknowledged my truth reasonably recently, and it certainly did piss me off. I wish, so often, that I had confronted it many years ago, so that it doesn't drag me now to dark places where I don't want to be in the later years of my life. Instead I struggle with PTSD and memories and the knowledge that I didn't do anything to deserve what happened to me, but neither did I do anything, at the time, to help ensure it would never happen to others. That's often a serious issue for rape victims, especially young ones, but to tell or not to tell should never be the question - there should be no need for that question.

Now that I am older and have acknowledged my truth and the fact that I can definitely help and it's not too late, I have, on a small scale, become an activist and organiser and supporter. I hope, through my involvement, that I can spread the message that sexual violence against women and girls is NEVER okay. 

One Billion Rising is a worldwide campaign that calls on survivors of sexual violence to tell their stories, thereby helping others and working towards justice for all and the eradication of a discourse that allows rape culture to fester and spread. On 14 February 2013 the theme for One Billion Rising was Strike Dance Rise, and activists, dancers, women, men, ordinary people and extraordinary people from 207 countries around the world took part. A small but very dedicated group joined me in Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, for three flash mob performances of a dance written and choreographed especially for the 2013 event.  

In the past 12 months some horrendous stories have hit the headlines and gone viral on social media.  The list below is by no means exclusive:

• the rape and murder of Jyoti Singh Pandy in India, the extremely slow action by the police to bring the perpetrators to justice and the defense lawyer victim blaming;
• a young woman raped by members of a college football team in Steubenville, USA. This matter might have been swept under the carpet if it hadn't been pushed by the social media justice group "Anonymous";
• the suicide of Rehtaeh Parsons in Canada who was raped whilst drunk; pictures of her rapists violating her were circulated on the internet and she was subjected to sever cyber bullying.  Rehtaeh was not afforded justice until after her death, and only then because of the efforts of "Anonymous" and her parents, Glen and Leah, to ensure that her death was not simply swept into the statistics pile by the police;
• The rape and death of a 5 year old in India by two men just weeks after the kidnapping, torture and rape of another 5 year old, whose disappearance was not taken seriously by police;
• Daisy Coleman of Maryville, USA, raped and then the subject of a Fox News interview where the rapist's defense attorney claimed she was at fault for being "rape-able";
• a Swiss couple, cycling through India in March, were attacked by 8 men from a village in Datia district; the man was tied up while the men the gang raped his wife;
• police in New Zealand under fire for inaction over the "Roast Busters" gang rapes when they didn't take the complaint of a 15 year old victim seriously;
• a woman raped by a bouncer two years ago in Wellington, New Zealand, whose case only just made it to court, told by the defense lawyer that she "could have closed her legs".

In 2014 the theme for One Billion Rising is Rise for Justice. We want to reach much, much further than we did in 2013. We want the message to get out to as many people as possible - violence against women and girls in NOT okay, rape is NOT okay, justice must be seen to be done.

Please join us - RSVP to the Brisbane event on the One Billion Rising website, "Like" us on Facebook, learn the dance - it will still be a big part of our 2014 activities - and encourage your friends, employer, workmates, school, sports groups, community groups or anyone else you know to get involved.

For the violence to end, rape culture must end and justice must prevail.  The only way that is going to happen is if every single person understands the problem, becomes actively involved and Rises for Justice.

So yes, Gloria, I am not yet over "pissed off", but it's an anger that drives me to help ensure that others don't have to go through what I did, and what hundreds of thousands of other women and girls go through every day.  We WILL be set free!