Rape Culture

Blessington. When he was 14, this man raped and killed Janine Balding. He was locked up in the jail for his entire life. And he is asking for “clemency”. Why isn’t that good?

For me, how it ends up is good. He should never be set free. He can just rot away in this jail for what he did to Janine Balding, and the grief he caused to her family. When I read the history I cried. I thought about my own rape, the rape of Jyoti in India, the rape of so many women. “Clemency”? He should never receive “clemency”!

Rape happens… every… single… day.

Too many women are murdered.

Too many women are “blamed”.

Too many women become mentally ill when they try to live with their memories.

Too many women have to live with it.

Women don’t report it because they don’t trust courts to believe them. Why not? Because men can just say that they “loved her”. Or they didn’t “touch her”. Or they were “taught to be nice to her”.

I read an extremely wrong article by “Dr” Tara J. Palmatier who supported “A Voice for Men” to turn against “Rape Culture”. Palmatier knows nothing about women who were raped by men. Who were very hurt by the insertion of … a metal stick (Jyoti) or a bayonet (me) during rape. Who was killed because the men (boys) thought that would finish whatever for them! FFS, get real “Dr” Palmatier!!!

 

Any man jailed for rape might adhere to rape by men. Why are they being raped? Because the men who conduct this crime think they have the crime which the men already committed. Why isn’t that in court? Because the men who claim they have been raped already raped a woman!!!

This Time article on 20 March 2014 says that “rape culture” doesn’t exist. I wonder if the woman who wrote this understands what has happened in the last 40 years? Valenti said “Rape-culture theory is doing little to help victims, but its power to poison the minds of young women and lead to hostile environments for innocent males is immense.” Oh how much I really wish that 40 years ago I could have reported my rape to police and expected the disgusting men to end up in jail! Nowadays? YES, I could expect that! That is not a culture, it’s a law, and must be kept alive!

 

Ending “rape culture” will not end rape. Ending “rape culture” will not assist women who are raped. Ending “rape culture” will not, ever, lock a man into jail for the rest of his life because the anti-rape-culture society think he did something small wrong and has paid for it and needs to start a new life!

What about women who are raped? Will they ever start a “new life”? They can, only if rape is seen to be a backwards “culture”. They can, only if they can expect the law to back them. They can, only if the disgusting rapists are locked away, hopefully for the rest of their lives! That is a law, and must be kept alive!

Ask any woman who was raped!

Survey - Violence Against Women in Australia

In 2012 the Bureau of Statistics (ABS) conducted a Personal Safety Survey for sexual violence which happened far too often to women. The long (148) report was done by ANROWS in October last year, and looked at "substantial new findings and several hundred new statistical items related to physical assault, sexual violence, intimate partner violence, and multiple victimisation.". 

There is a pdf file which you can download from ANROWS which can be very helpful to you. It looks at the experience of violence, most recent experience of violence, selected types of violence, sexual assault, partner violence, emotional abuse and much more.

The Australian Institute of Criminology looks at the trend of sexual assault, but it only reached 2007 in its data. However, by 2007 there had been an increase of 400 per month since 1995, and that's bad (scary?) information. 

Every person, female or male, should be educated into what causes sexual violence. Every woman should know that they have rights. Every man should know that a "normal life" is never violence / sexual assault / rape / victimisation. 

Women deserve a normal life. It's our life.

Call her Jyoti Singh

In December 2012 I wrote my website www.itsokaytobeangry.com. It was posted in memory of Jyoti Singh, who had been raped by 5 men in a bus, and days later died from extremely violent and shockingly internal physical force. Jyoti Singh was 23 years old. She did not ask to be attacked, did not ask to be raped, did not ask to be thrust inside her with a metal bar. She did not ask to die.

The four oldest offenders were convicted and sentence to death. They still haven't been hanged. The youngest offender, 17 years old 3 years ago, was kept in a youth centre. He has now been let out.

Why???

Why did the juvenile join up with older men? Why did he get involved in the rape of Jyoti Singh? Why was he convicted as a "juvenile" rather than as the same as the four other men when he was involved with them? Why was he let out???

India has had so many messages from women and families that women should be safe, that rape is wrong, that families should feel with their victim.

The Atlantic's article on 16 November this year, 2015, entitled "The Brutal Rape That Galvanized India", noted the student protest about this which happened the day immediate after. The India government banned the protests, and have now banned the movie India's Daughter made by the director, Leslee Udwin.

On 17 December 2015 Jyoti Singh's mother was reported in the Zeedee news from India as saying "My daughter's name was Jyoti Singh and I'm not ashamed!" Well said by Asha Devi, Jyoti's mother. This should be the way everyone thinks of this! 

NO WOMAN should ever think she will be raped.
NO WOMAN should ever let her daughter 'regret' her rape.
NO WOMAN will ever let rapists just "get away" with it.

So should every person who ever knows what has happened.

Rape has been around for every time. In the last few years the rapists have been round up and put away. They should. They should have been rounded up and put away for the rest of their miserable lives a century back. They should have been round up and put away when I was raped 40 years ago. I should have known that legal proceed could have happened. Why didn't it?

The four men who raped Jyoti and were sentenced to death should have been hung three years ago, straight after their court hearing. Why are they still alive? The youth 'boy' who also raped Jyoti should have been sentenced exactly the same as the older men. Why is he now FREE???

Rape is never acceptable.
Rape is women victims.
Rape is WRONG.

Every government with any legislation protecting women from rape of any kind should re-look at their policies to ensure that victims can and will take rapists to court and can then live without fear.

When will this happen???

#ItStopsWithMe

This morning I felt pretty pissed off. I had read an article, posted by a friend, on how men have their own websites which advertise a “Philosophy of Rape”. Yes, advertise rape. According to these men, rape is “corrective”. They started with a comment “Rape did serve important, healthy, and natural biological purposes historically in limiting the extent to which female bad behavior can go.”

WHAT??? Is this something that MEN will believe??? Oh yes, I am pretty pissed off. Absolutely pissed off!

Female behaviour is not bad! Rape by men IS.

Females are not sluts. Rape by men does NOT “correct the slut problem”.

Females are not “harlots and feminazis”. Rape by men will NEVER “correct” women.

Females never “want to be raped”. Men, ONLY men, will ever think this crap!

Rape, how they think of it, is a myth which is held onto by men who believe, absolutely incorrectly, that they can use this to “fix society”. Read this: http://www.secasa.com.au/sections/crisis-centre/common-beliefs-about-rape/ and this: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/commonmyths2.php and this: http://www.d.umn.edu/cla/faculty/jhamlin/3925/myths.html and this: http://www.wavaw.ca/mythbusting/rape-myths/ 

And keep reading!! There are so many websites which break the myths, which should be followed not just by women but also by men. No man who reads this would ever disbelieve, would never join the idiotic “battle” by men against women, would rape any women because they are told that it’s okay!

Because IT IS NOT!

This year it is not - http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/melbourne-pair-jailed-for-multiple-rapes-of-fourteenyearold-girl-20150525-gh8vh6.html. Forty years ago it was not – www.itsokaytobeangry.com. One hundred years ago it was not - http://aussiecriminals.com.au/100-years-of-crime-in-australia/.

It has NEVER been okay!

But is it ever considered okay? So many women simply don’t report their rape. According to the Australian Government Institute of Family Studies http://www3.aifs.gov.au/acssa/statistics.html  International Violence Against Women Survey in 2004,

“Only 1 in 7 women (14%) who experienced violence from an intimate partner, and just over 1 in 6 women who experienced violence from someone else (non-partner), indicated that they had reported the most recent incident to police (16%)”

but

“almost half of the women indicated that their reason for not reporting was because they preferred to deal with it themselves, preferred to keep the matter private, or out of shame or embarrassment.”

Shame or embarrassment? Were these women convinced by men that their rape was “okay”?

It was 40 years ago since I was raped. I did not ever report this to the police, not because I preferred to deal with it myself, or because I preferred to keep it private. Yes, it was out of shame, because, way back then, I realised that it was not my fault, never my fault, but I could not report this to police if they didn’t believe me. Nowadays I don’t accept that police will turn away a rape. I have seen the law changed, seen the police support change, seen the feminist and women support change. So many individuals and organisations now will support and help a victim who had been raped.

And yet “Philosophy of Rape” tells men on their website that they “will teach you how to make 100% sure that you don’t get caught.”

Personally?  I believe that these men are absolute idiots who keep their infantile penises hidden inside their pants. They don’t have or won’t have a wonderful woman who would be with them instead of under them. They don’t accept love, they don’t accept awesome women, and they don’t accept an excellent future.

Men, if you are reading this – DON’T RAPE. There is nothing more to say to intelligent men. Those who are so stupid that this won’t go into their heads… well, leave women alone. They are much, much more intelligent that you will ever be.

Go onto Twitter and post this:

Rape will never happen in my life. #ItStopsWithMe

  

And live in a normal, non-rape life.

So much history!

I published my last blog in June, just after I had been released from PA Hospital. Today, Monday 6 October 2014, is 4 months since I left BIRU, went home to Inala, and later moved to my current home at Woody Point. Just after getting home I remember that I had paid the entry for the International Women's Liberation Summit, before I went into hospital. I figured it was time for me to speak.

I contacted Kat, one of the organisers, and met her at SouthBank. She read my writing and agreed that it was okay for me to talk. This would be a first - ever - talk to any group about all my history.  I practiced what I had written many nights, floundering about whether or not I could remember it - the language - when the whole history was inside my brain.

My stroke has aggravated me quite a lot since I left PA Hospital and have had speech pathology both in PA and Redcliffe. I felt pretty silly, forgetting words - any words.  I could remember the history but I couldn't remember the words. My talk was written in every word I needed, but even reading it I would fall over a word, forget how to say it, read it differently. 

Coming so very close to the IWLS weekend, I read the speech to Redcliffe speech pathologists. My first time was pretty good, reminded me of how to action the words. My second time I pulled away in tears. My third time I read the speech to some CBRT people who reacted okay with me after that. I felt pretty strong, able to stand in front of the IWLS and not lose myself.

It's 40 years since I was raped, 20 years since I remembered everything and couldn't not remember it, 13 years since I've had rape crisis meetings, 3 years since a good Australian therapist, and only one year since I was CT'd with my brain aneurysm and subsequently fired (after 7 years as employee!). I have had so many rages, so many times, and no-one was really able to or wished to help me. Even the Aus therapist was only able to deal with me at government assistance.

Today I got to the third day of the IWLS event and I spoke. I am so very grateful to two helpers who held me while I was in tears, and I have had such a lot of wonderful comments from IWLS attendees. I cried early in my speech, telling a large group of people about my history - 40, 20, 13, 3, 1 years - and I loved the excellent people who listened to me. 

That's something I would never have done, but perhaps, this time, my stroke has sent me forward. Perhaps, this time, my stroke is also due to my gratuitous future.

Don't feel unliked, don't feel aggrieved, don't feel sad from your own history. Right now, please, just feel good about people who will offer to help you. 

       

Living life

What do you do when the proverbial rug keeps getting pulled out from under you, no matter how hard you try to stay standing?

In 2012 I applied to attend the first TEDxSouthBankWomen. I wasn’t at all sure I would be accepted, but I knew I had to try. So much kept happening in my life, the rug had been pulled so many times, that I needed some motivation, some forward vision. My application was accepted, and I was on a very brief high.

Before the event something happened which sent me into a huge downward spin. In India a young woman named Jyoti Singh was raped and sexually abused by five men. That event triggered some horrific memories of my own, PTSD I had never dealt with. I got to TEDxSBW and loved every minute of the day, every speaker, but at the after-function I couldn’t hold it in any more. While talking to the franchisee, Laura, I became a blubbering mess. Laura sat me down with her mum, Mary, and I bawled on the shoulder of this kind and caring woman for a long time.

The event and evening was a catalyst for me, something I had desperately needed to get myself back on track. Meeting Laura and her family, Emma and Margo, Juanita and others too numerous to remember let alone mention gave me the push I needed.  I sat down and wrote my website www.itsokaytobeangry.com and the accompanying blog http://itsokaytobeangry.blogspot.com.au/, catharsis for my bottom-of-the-pit emotions. I invite you to read these to understand just where I was at and why.

If I thought fate had finished with me then I was very much mistaken. In January 2013 my husband of 9 years told me our marriage was over and he was moving back to NZ. By mid-January I was in counselling for both my PTSD and my marriage break up, but my forward movement had started and wasn’t going to be stopped by something like that! I am living proof that mature age, no money and constant stress don’t have to stop your life.

I organized a flash mob for Eve Ensler’s V-Day event One Billion Rising, and on 14 February 2013 thirty of us danced 3 times in Queen Street Mall to raise awareness for the V-Day campaign against violence against women. 

Through my involvement with that I joined forces with a wonderful group putting on the Vagina Monologues for the same benefit. The organisation we were supporting was DV Connect, which supports women, children and animals caught up in domestic violence situations. We raised $5,000.

In June I participated in the Ipswich CASV Walk a Mile in her Shoes . I entered into fun runs for International Women’s Day, Mother’s Day Classic, Rotary Run for Autism, the Ipswich Hospital 2013 fundraiser and Zonta Says No, the latter which was also supporting DV Connect. I attended a memorial service at Logan CASV for Joan Ryther, who was sexually assaulted and murdered in Logan.

 

I participated in the United Nations “Say No – Unite: Orange the World in 16 Days” Activism Against Gender Violence, commencing on International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, 25 November,  and ending on International Human Rights Day, 10 December. This is an annual event and I will continue to participate and encourage others to do so.

 As well as the OBR flash mob, I joined a flash mob doing Thriller for the 2013 Zombie Walk, raising funds for the Brain Foundation.  I had a personal reason to be involved in that – on 3 July 2013 I was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm, yet another thing to add to my stress and turmoil. I started another blog about my aneurysm journey, http://aneurysmaphorisms.blogspot.com.au/ because I had so much trouble getting any information about aneurysms from local sources.

My activities have not been confined to sexual assault and brain injury awareness. It’s as if my breakdown at the end of 2012 has spurred me to a greater awareness and action for many other areas where I see injustice, and I have become a vocal and active social justice campaigner. I have marched for the Reef, marched for Climate Change, and Marched in March for everything I believe is wrong with the state of our nation at this point in time. I tweet, I blog (my third blog, one that I had before the other two but which has since been resurrected as my general soap box, is not a regular blog but often just when I feel frustrated - http://aneurysmaphorisms.blogspot.com.au/ ) and I drive people nuts on Facebook.  In addition, I volunteer at La Boite theatre and Eyeline Arts magazine (and at Brisbane Festival 2013) and I joined the Brisbane Feminist Collective.

In February this year, when I was unfortunately unable to make the Brisbane One Billion Rising event happen, I helped to raise awareness at a stand in Northern Rivers. 

The rug is still getting pulled – in September last year I lost my job, after 7 years with the same employer – but in the last few months I have made some wonderful and very supportive friends and I cope so much better now with unexpected stresses.

I am working my way through the process of publication of my debut novel, begun entering writing competitions and started a website for my writing – www.reibus.com.au .  Well, some part of life has to be purely selfish doesn’t it?

My next challenge is fast approaching. 272 days after the diagnosis of my brain aneurysm I had a call to say my surgery is scheduled for the day after Easter. That sent me into yet another tail spin, but after a long chat with Margo Gibbs, who is one of the most level headed women I know, I am feeling a lot more comfortable with the situation and I know I’ll be fine.  Perhaps my only regret is a selfish one. I have been in swimming training most of this year, 40-60 lengths of my local pool 2-3 times a week, with the intention of entering an ocean swim event in Vanuatu later this year – something to check off my bucket list. I suspect that will now be put off until next year. C’est la vie.

As I have aged, and despite how much I respect so many women in public life, I never would have imagined my mentor would end up being someone less than half my age who took a chance on me in 2012. I truly believe I would not have achieved any of this without the support and encouragement and friendship of Laura Stokes and so many other wonderful people I have met through TEDxSBW. Truly beautiful people. Thank you.