I love the library and the museum, but so often quiet contemplation turns into angst and tears. Walking is always good. It's a source of frustration that my personal trainer has had quite a lot of time off lately because I count on him too much to get my own motivation for exercise. Time I kicked my own arse and got out there!
While I have been - and probably always will be - dealing with my own demons, both from my rape and from two failed marriages and an often pervasive feeling of general failure, I am reminded often of the pain that others are sentenced to through the actions of others. For many months I have followed the story of a woman, Lori, in the USA who was brutally attacked by her partner and still, more than 2 years later, faces further surgery and daily pain. Lori is an amazing woman, wishing to use her pain to help make sure others never have to face the same thing.
I want to reach out to others who have been in my situation. That's the reason for this blog and my website. Every minute of every day women the world over face rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, emotional and physical torture, for no other reason than they are women and the men who perpetrate these acts feel - or want to feel - superior. There is no justification. There are no excuses or reasons.
This year is my watershed year. I have come out of my own dark little closet and become active. Small actions so far, but they will continue to grow. I am fighting back.
Even when it gets too hard, even when my motivation dries up, even when the nightmares overwhelm me again, even with failed relationships behind me, I know I can make a difference to someone, somewhere. I will fight my demons, I will fight my own sense of failure, I will turn myself around.
So that's who I am.
Someone else’s life
Luisa © 2013
I’ve been someone else all my life
Mother, daughter, sister, wife
Never had my own ID
Never knew just who was me
Came close sometimes, but not quite there
No courage to seek out my fair share
Held back, held down, tormented soul
Hidden within my own black hole
Pile on the kindling, light the flame
I’ve only got myself to blame
Is there no reprieve from victimhood?
I know I must but don’t think I could
Clouds in my head, tears in my eyes
Always smart but never wise
Why am I the invisible one?
Who gets it all while I get none?
I am a person, just like you
I’m worthy of a fair review
Don’t ignore me, I’m right here
I’m not going to disappear
I’ve been yours, I’ve played your game
Now it’s time to find my fame