Who am I?

It's often hard to write when I am feeling low, even though I know that writing will help me to feel better.  Getting started is the hardest part.  I am often lacking in motivation when I am at home due to having to share my space with someone who doesn't want to be any part of me.  I am happiest when I am out, preferably dancing, but anywhere there is music and activity works.  

I love the library and the museum, but so often quiet contemplation turns into angst and tears.  Walking is always good.  It's a source of frustration that my personal trainer has had quite a lot of time off lately because I count on him too much to get my own motivation for exercise.  Time I kicked my own arse and got out there!

While I have been - and probably always will be - dealing with my own demons, both from my rape and from two failed marriages and an often pervasive feeling of general failure, I am reminded often of the pain that others are sentenced to through the actions of others.  For many months I have followed the story of a woman, Lori, in the USA who was brutally attacked by her partner and still, more than 2 years later, faces further surgery and daily pain.  Lori is an amazing woman, wishing to use her pain to help make sure others never have to face the same thing.

I want to reach out to others who have been in my situation.  That's the reason for this blog and my website.  Every minute of every day women the world over face rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, emotional and physical torture, for no other reason than they are women and the men who perpetrate these acts feel - or want to feel - superior.  There is no justification.  There are no excuses or reasons.

This year is my watershed year.  I have come out of my own dark little closet and become active.  Small actions so far, but they will continue to grow.  I am fighting back.

Even when it gets too hard, even when my motivation dries up, even when the nightmares overwhelm me again, even with failed relationships behind me, I know I can make a difference to someone, somewhere.  I will fight my demons, I will fight my own sense of failure, I will turn myself around.

So that's who I am.

Someone else’s life

Luisa © 2013

I’ve been someone else all my life

Mother, daughter, sister, wife

Never had my own ID

Never knew just who was me

Came close sometimes, but not quite there

No courage to seek out my fair share

Held back, held down, tormented soul

Hidden within my own black hole

Pile on the kindling, light the flame

I’ve only got myself to blame

Is there no reprieve from victimhood?

I know I must but don’t think I could

Clouds in my head, tears in my eyes

Always smart but never wise

Why am I the invisible one?

Who gets it all while I get none?

I am a person, just like you

I’m worthy of a fair review

Don’t ignore me, I’m right here

I’m not going to disappear

I’ve been yours, I’ve played your game

Now it’s time to find my fame