I am Woman, hear me roar!

This week my husband of 9 years told me our relationship was over.  The anger I have been feeling is not good anger, and I have had a very hard time remembering the difference between constructive anger and destructive anger.  

When you are faced with trauma - whether it is assault, death of a loved one, injury, relationship breakdown, whatever - your natural instincts take over.  Your body and your mind go into survival mode, and you become reactive rather than considering.  You may become numb, believing that if you shut out the pain you won't feel it, or you may become aggressive, over-reacting to every situation in order to convince yourself that you have done all you could to save yourself.  Flight or fight.

Relationship breakdown may not normally be as traumatic as rape or physical assault, but when you already have PTSD issues it's all a level playing field. This week my mind and my body have chosen to fight.  At times I have sufficient control to reason with myself, and understand that my fight is destructive.  But other times the reactive emotion takes over and I find myself shouting, swearing, arguing and blaming, none of which is doing me any good whatsoever.  I know that when I come down from my fight "high", but when the words are running I seem unable to stop them.

I have flashbacks to my past trauma and I feel violated yet again. I remind myself that I would never, ever let anyone hurt me again, in any way - and yet it has happened, emotionally this time rather than physically, but I still had no control over it.  So I fight.

I must make a conscious effort during the next stage to avoid situations which I know may lead to fight, but I must also make a second conscious effort not to retreat to flight.  I have to find the good middle ground.  I am angry, I should be angry, it's okay that I am angry.  But it must not be destructive anger.  It won't resolve the situation, there is no easy resolution and whatever answers my husband and I eventually agree on will take time, so for my own survival I have to aim for the middle ground.

It doesn't mean I have to forgive - I won't, I don't need to, I don't have to.  But it does mean that I am taking care of myself, and ultimately that will make me stronger, and I know I will be the winner on the other side of any resolution.

This week I am looking to my future.  I will use my anger constructively, for my own benefit.   

I am Woman, hear me roar.  

Lies, damned lies, and statistics

Recently social media has reverberated with comment about a graphic from the Enliven Project, accusing the Project of presenting "false", "misleading" or simply "wrong" information.  Far from it.  The Project is merely attempting to show visually information that is available readily and publicly about a problem that is real and documented.  As one commentator noted, "It's not that the infographic is 'wrong'. Rather it's how the data was interpreted...blame it on statistics for allowing for variance in data interpretation."  Absolutely.

What this matter highlights is that the standard for gathering information for this kind of study is less than perfect.  

In 2007 in the US a report entitled "Drug-facilitated, Incapacitated, and Forcible Rape: A National Study" documented that "...about 20 million out of 112 million women (18.0%) in the U.S. have ever been raped during their lifetime. This includes an estimated 18 million women who have been forcibly raped, nearly 3 million women who have experienced drug-facilitated rape, and 3 million women who have experienced incapacitated rape. During the past year alone, over 1 million women in the U.S. have been raped..."

One million?  In a so-called advanced society such as US? I find that absolutely atrocious!

It is estimated that a rapist may have six victims, on average.  In the US that's 167,000 rapists for one million women.  If 167,000 people with guns each shot 6 people in a one year long killing spree would there be a hue and cry?  Damned right there would be.  So why do we let these perpetrators get away with this crime?  What makes rape "different"?

The answer, in part, is to be found in comments such as those made by a California judge, who said "if someone doesn't want sexual intercourse, the body 'will not permit that to happen.' "   Really?

Or words spoken by an Indian religious "leader" after the death of a young woman raped and horrendously violated: "She should have called the culprits brothers and begged before them to stop. ... This could have saved her dignity and life."  Her dignity?

Or the extremely offensive comments from an Australian Muslim leader, comparing women to uncovered meat and suggesting women were the weapons of Satan "used to control men".  Meat?

When people in these kind of influential positions within their respective communities have such twisted and archaic beliefs, those beliefs will filter down and find a willing ear somewhere.

We have such a long way to go to counter these beliefs, so we should completely support organisations such as V-Day and Destroy the Joint and Collective Shout which are striving to turn them around.  

Are you rising on 14 February?



 

  

My body my soul

My life rollercoaster seems to have picked up downhill speed of late.  Since the rape and murder of Jyoti Singh Pandey, the 23-year-old Delhi gang rape victim I have had increasing flashbacks and sleepless nights recalling my own abuse.  It is something that never leaves you - ever.  

My solace comes from being involved in the organisation of a One Billion Rising event for this year's V-Day - despite a lack of empathy from officialdom.  

It also comes from writing.

Get on with life
© Luisa 2013

Get on with life, no harm done, 

you’re not hurt – it was all in fun. 

Don’t you understand?  My world changed that day.   

You violated me, you took my freedom away. 

Can’t trust, can’t move on, trapped in my nightmare.   

Can’t tell, memory block, don’t cry, don’t share. 

One decade, two, three, four – 

you must’ve forgotten by now, for sure! 

Forgive and forget, just move along.  

I can’t, don’t you see that?  Is that really so wrong? 

Why can’t I be angry?  You put me through hell 

and gave me a future in this meaningless shell  

while you carried on with your life – 

probably even kids and a wife. 

I’ve never felt valued, always second best, 

and everything I did was always a test 

which I failed, time and again.   

Can’t trust, can’t move on, my life dominated by men. 

You violated me, you took my freedom away.   

I’ll never think of bayonets in any other way. 

Why did you think you could do that, what gave you the right 

to treat my body with so much spite? 

Did you think it was just some harmless game?   

You did it yourselves – I’m not to blame. 

I can’t forgive, I can’t forget, 

the more years that pass the harder it gets  

when I know you don’t think of it, never crosses your days, 

yet I live with it … always. 

You five changed my life and not for good.   

Do I want justice?  Oh yes, if only I could. 

Why can’t I be angry?  You took what was mine and left me with tears 

that I’ve been crying for too many years.

 

The difference that can make all the difference...

What's the difference between a counsellor and a psychologist?  I didn't actually know this until very recently, when I started with a new psychologist.  The Mental Health Foundation ACT website has a very good page which lays out the differences.  This should be compulsory reading for all people seeking treatment for mental health issues, especially for those with severe trauma issues.

Previously I had been to three counsellors and a psychologist.   Of the counsellors, only one was trained in specific trauma (rape), and she was excellent.  At a time when I really needed help, she was there for me, but that was 10 years ago in a different country.

A counsellor I went to last year was also very good, but she was more generalist, not specific, so while she helped at the time the benefits didn't flow on.

The first psychologist, 4 years ago, was a dead loss - and not one I ever would have chosen for myself if I'd had the option, which I believe I should have had.  While she appeared to be imminently qualified - B.Soc. Sc(Psych) Post Grad Dip Prof. Psych. MAPS - her empathy was non-existent.  The other counsellor was self focused and didn't seem to give a rats about my problems.  I don't remember much about her other than she talked the whole time and kept looking at her watch.

Over Christmas 2012, when I was completely alone apart from my dogs, I desperately needed someone to talk to who would understand my thoughts, feelings, emotions.  Everyone was closed.  My dogs were the ones who kept me sane and alive - I wouldn't have anyone to look after them if I wasn't around as my family were all out of town.  My furry family became my lifesavers.

Last week I began seeing a new psychologist, and this one is amazing.  She validates me.  She gives me permission to feel the way I do.  She accepts my problems and has plans for how she can work with me to make a brighter future for me.  She is the door in my wall.  I can see sunshine on my horizon.  Her quals are Bachelor of Psychological Science,  Bachelor of Psychological Science (Honours), Masters of Psychology (Clinical), MAPS, but more important to me - she has empathy.

It's been 40 years so I don't have any misguided notions that my problems will be fixed within the 10 visits allowed by Medicare this year, but I feel more positive than I have for a long, long time.  I have a focus for myself and a focus for my treatment, and a person who truly wants to listen and help.  That alone is the difference that can, for me, make a difference.  Isn't it often the way that we have to sift through the debris to find the nugget of gold?

If you are in need of help, don't let your GP tell you who will help you - do a bit of your own research and make your own choices.  In Australia you have that right.  Medicare limits your treatment so you need to ensure that what you do get is effective.

While professional ethics might prevent me from advertising the name of my wonderful new psychologist, I would definitely recommend the practice which put me in touch with her - Vision Psychology, 7 days, free initial consults.  Blatant unsolicited advertising for people who were there for me when I needed it most.

Help when you need it - the way it should be.

  

Larry who?

The essence of a person can be seen in their language and their respect - or disrespect - of fellow humans.  Larry Pickering's website describes him as a "four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchhill (sic) Fellow".  Mr Pickering is making a new name for himself trashing the Labour federal government and, in particular, Julia Gillard, and anyone who supports her.

His latest target is Anne Summers.   Mr Pickering's rant in a blog post entitled "Summer's winter of discontent" begins: "I had never heard of a person called Ann Summers (not sure Ann is with or without an "e" and I couldn't care less really..."

Mr Pickering, since you - as a Walkley award winning political commentator - seem to have forgotten how to research, let me do it for you.

Anne Summers (yes, her name has an "e" and you show disrespect  in your very first sentence with your inane comments) is a Walkley award winning journalist.  Her award was for an investigation into NSW prisons which led to a royal commission.

She is

• co-founder of the Women's Liberation Movement (WLM) in Australia
• formerly Australia's First Assistant Secretary of the Office of the Status of Women
• Officer of the Order of Australia (AO) for service to journalism and to women's affairs
• holder of honorary doctorates from both Flinders University SA and the University of NSW
• author of seven (7) books
• on an Australian Post 2011 stamp in the "Australian Legends" series
• a columnist for Sydney Morning Herald and Sunday Age
• a prominent blogger on her own website http://annesummers.com.au

But of course you knew all of this.  What you also knew, I suspect, is that the hate gang that you call subscribers to your website and Facebook page probably wouldn't know that, much less care - or even know how to do their own research.  

No, Mr Pickering.  You are not interested in respect or truth, let alone honesty or equality.  You are only interested in furthering your own infamy by means of inciting and perpetuating the sexist, hate-filled and misogynist images and utterances that you seem to so highly value in people such as Tony Abbott.

Personally, I think it is truly a shame that someone with your alleged intelligence chooses to abuse it for personal gain.  You do no-one any good by doing so, least of all your supporters who continue to show themselves up as racist, sexist, bigoted and less than intelligent.

Waiting a lifetime

When something traumatic happens to you, your body and mind make decisions about how to handle it based on the survival instinct.  In so many countries and cultures around the world rape is such a commonplace thing that women simply package the event in their mind and lock it away - they don't have the resources to fight.

While the women's rights movement has been front and center of the fight against sexism and abuse of women for more than a century, it seems to be only recently that it is coming together on a world-wide scale.  Forty years after my own trauma, for the first time in my adult life, I am seeing a world wide rising of anger over the atrocities committed against women on a daily basis, not just in countries with a male dominant culture but also in so-called "civilised" western countries.  The catalyst for this was Jyoti Singh Pandey, a 23 year old medical student in New Delhi, India, brutally raped and sexually assaulted.  She died from her injuries and the world is angry.

We're angry that a young woman can't even walk at night with her boyfriend without being targeted for such an horrific assault.

We're angry that a football-mad town can defend their football team for subjecting a young woman to rape and assault. 

We're angry that rape culture continues to remain hidden but very alive in such a large democracy as the USA.

We're angry that women in the Congo are the worst affected and least cared about in that country's war financed by conflict mineral mining. 

We're angry that huge international corporations continue to operate in areas such as Angola and the Congo when their profits do little or nothing to help the local women and children and a third of the population relies on subsistence agriculture.

We're angry that rape culture is pervasive around the world.

We're angry that women are still blamed for "getting themselves raped".

There is no justification for a rape culture, yet there is no justice for so many women because rape culture is such a pervasive sub-culture in so much of the world.  Now, for the first time in the 40 years I have watched and waited, there may, finally, be some hint of sunlight on the horizon.  The world is standing up and saying "Enough"!  

Misogyny is being identified as unacceptable.  

Gender bias is being addressed even at pre-school level.

Sexist and misogynist marketing is being targeted.

Ridiculous people and their ridiculous comments are being exposed for what they are.

Women and those who love women the world over are being encouraged to make a stand. 

Jyoti, you should never have had to suffer as you did to make the world aware, and yet you are now the sunlight on my horizon - I've been waiting a lifetime for you.  May your death never have been in vain.

I am angry for you!

My Wall

In the 1970s Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden, Uriah Heep and other early heavy rock bands were my favourites.  After I was raped I cut all these bands out of my life along with everything else that the 70s had come to mean to me.  I built my wall to keep my memories shut firmly away from my everyday life. 

My wall wouldn't come down for 19 years and it was then that I discovered Pink Floyd's "The Wall".  Our local theatre had a tribute production of The Wall and as I was working there I got to see it many times.  It fascinated me.  The messages were, to me, quite clear.  For me personally, it was all about barricading bad memories and emotions to stop them from taking over my everyday life, and when my wall had been breached I no longer had that protection.

Building walls in our minds is a common reaction to rape.  In a 20/20 interview with Tori Amos in 2008, Alison Clement, a therapist, said "There are a number of survivors that don't come forward for a very long time. Some never come forward. It's not impossible for a survivor to put in the back of their mind and make like it never happened".  Not just make like it never happened, but truly believe it never happened. 

Jason Ivers on "A Miracle a Day" says we "build ... walls to shelter our inner, vulnerable self.  We build them to provide safety, safety from pain, safety from risk.  We build them to keep others out, so that they can't see our weaknesses."  My wall was to keep me out of the painful memories.  I built it against me.  This is one of the body's natural reactions to severe trauma.  That it served also to keep others out was secondary at the time.

Rape Trauma Syndrome was identified in the 1970s as a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it's common amongst rape survivors.  RTS consists of four phases - anticipatory, impact, reconstitution and resolution.  The third phase, reconstitution, can last for many years and encompasses denial, symptom formation and anger.  We are told "anger should be refocused appropriately on external circumstances rather than on self-blame".  

We are also told that the four phases are not linear - that is, don't expect to follow the phases exactly.  There is no one way or right way or even common way for rape survivors to deal with their trauma - it's as individual as our fingerprints.

Reading and learning about RTS and PTSD has been cathartic for me, as has writing.  I have learned a lot about myself which goes a long way to explain why I am and who I am and how I came to be in the mindplace.  The AAETS has a very comprehensive layman's page about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which tells me I am not crazy, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are normal for an abuse survivor.  "For example, if they feel the trauma was their fault they may spend the rest of their life having to be right so they won't ever be at fault again."  That's me in a nutshell.

I've still got a long way to go - perhaps the rest of my lifetime - but I know it's okay to be angry.
  
 

Silent all these years

That's the title of a Tori Amos song on her Little Earthquakes CD, released by Amos in 1992 and used to promote the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN).  It's a refrain that so many women could sing.  Silent about rape, silent about abuse, silent about unwanted pregnancies, silent about children stolen at birth.

A long time ago, after my Gran had died, my Poppa went into a nursing home.  My mother visited him religiously twice every week and on every holiday.  She got him stuff he needed, she celebrated his birthdays, she cared about him, and would complain to the home if she thought he was being neglected.  Poppa was mum's step-father but he was the only grandfather I knew, and my Gran had a comfortable life with him.  When he died mum told me of a little bit of her history that I had, until then, known nothing about.  

Mum came from an abusive home - I'd heard that whispered but it never seemed a subject open for discussion.  Her father would fly into a rage and start beating her mother.  When it started, mum would grab her epileptic brother and get him the hell out of the house.  Gran finally escaped with mum and my uncle, and began working as a seamstress and housekeeper to feed her family.  After mum married and left home, one housekeeping role was with the man Gran would eventually marry and who would become my Poppa. 

He treated her well and mum always respected him for that so she kept the abusive history from us until after Poppa died, and even then she may not have told me if I wasn't asking questions.  It was part of her life that she had closed off, and she stayed silent for many years.

This sort of thing isn't new, isn't just part of our 21st century world, but what it is, is unacceptable.  Violence against women and children, no matter who by, no matter what the "excuse" should never be tolerated.  In my Gran's day women had virtually no rights, they were chattels, and domestic violence was swept behind the door.  Westernised countries are still gradually moving past that, but there are many, many other countries, cultures and religions throughout the world that have no respect for their women.

We have the ability to change the world - it's not as big as we think.  It will take hard work and a whole lot of time, but there are already hundreds of thousands dragging their own communities in the right direction.

We shouldn't be silent any longer.