Music and melancholy

Tonight's been  a music night, but not the joyful, happy music I thought I was going to listen to and dance to.  Melancholy took over, and my tracks have included Pink Floyd, Enigma and Tori Amos - the first two because they were favourites for my ex and I to listen to, and Tori because she has become my strength when I am down.

When something close and precious to you is lost the grieving process is pretty much the same regardless of what "it" was.  40 years ago I didn't grieve because I didn't acknowledge that loss.  Now, when I think of that day, I grieve over and over again for the loss of my youth and the impact throughout my entire adult life.

I have made very few good choices, and now I am in the second half of my century with nothing but my wonderful daughter to keep me here.  I often feel that I have no value, to myself or to anyone else, and I believe that my choices for so many years have been made by what happened to me 40 years ago.  I wanted security in my life, so I took the easy options - even though I didn't realise it at the time.  The results of two failed marriages were not planned or intentional abuse, but I still feel violated.  When you give yourself so entirely to someone it hurts like hell when they throw that away like it never mattered. 

There has to be a way ahead for me, I refuse to give in.  I have been fighting in one way or another for 40 years already, whether I knew it or not, so I have come too far to let it stop me now.  I will rebuild, I will recover, I will once again be a survivor.

Sadder, wearier, but still a survivor.

Walls

© Luisa 2013

Sitting here on my own feeling sorry for myself
Why is it my fate in life to be left upon the shelf?

I know my history plays a part – I trust way too much
I need caring, love, a hand to hold, someone’s gentle touch.

But every time I let down my walls the hurt’s not far away
And I’m on my own again, never seem to have a say.

Maybe I am destined to be on my own, an island hard to reach
With my walls intact, no bridge to cross, no footsteps on my beach.

Lessons learned the hard way, many years behind me
If there’s happiness somewhere ahead it’s something I can’t see.

I’m tired of tears, tired of pain, tired of being sad
Tired feeling used and unworthy, tired of being had.

Who decides my fate, did I ever have a choice?
Does anyone ever listen unless I raise my voice?

Sitting here on my own feeling sorry for myself
Why is it my fate in life to be left upon the shelf?

I know my history plays a part – the nightmares are still there
All I need is love, a hand to hold, someone to really care.